


An Eternity To Feel Alright

by Anactualdragonipromise



Series: Magnus Bane and the troubles of time [1]
Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Somewhat, but not much?, it gets resolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 19:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12659448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anactualdragonipromise/pseuds/Anactualdragonipromise
Summary: “It takes five words, seven measly syllables or so that stretch across seconds of time that can’t be spared, for Magnus’ world to freeze over.”In which Alec gets hurt and this results in Magnus getting a scary dose of reality.





	An Eternity To Feel Alright

It takes five words, seven measly syllables or so that stretch across seconds of time that can’t be spared, for Magnus’ world to freeze over.

The ice didn’t last much though, the world— his world— would never dare stay still long enough for him to catch his breath, would never dare give Magnus the satisfaction.

Oh no, the ice melts quickly; frost turns to inferno, flames of which are just a hair short of burning through his fingertips. And then there’s just pulsing heart under his skin and maybe it’s trying to beat its way out. Magnus wouldn’t believe his heart if it did, he wanted nothing more than to do the same, at times.

“Why isn’t he waking up?”

And he knows. Magnus knows he’s stronger than this. He has time on his side, he carries the years and the memories and it’s all there as proof. He’s stronger than this—this ugly empty helplessness, this cold-turned-scorching flame bullshit, he’s stronger. He is.

“Magnus, he isn’t waking up. Why isn’t he waking up?”  
  
He manages to snap himself out of his stupor long enough to register Jace’s agitated, panicked voice calling out to him. Long enough to realize that Isabelle’s grip on his arm is now threatening to cut off his circulation because of how desperate she is to do something—anything. He just barely takes in Clary’s unfocused attempts at offering anything that at least resembles reassurance to the siblings.

Looking around, Magnus knows what he should be doing. He should be fixing this. That’s what he does, right? He fixes things.

So why is it that he feels so helpless, it’s his love who’s fighting for life on his loft’s floor, he fixes these things, so, _why?_

“Magnus, why isn’t it working?” Isabelle lets go of his arm, rushing to her brother’s side.

Alec’s shaking stopped some time ago, Magnus was quick to brew him an antidote after getting a brief, nerve-wracked rundown of the events of their encounter with a herd of demons that had been patiently lurking around the outskirts of Magnus’ place. They managed to weasel out some information, apparently the High Warlock had made himself a new enemy, one that was willing to play the cat and mouse game as long as they needed to.

Sure, he appreciated the heads up, would take the threat under careful inspection, but _oh god, Alexander._

Why did the demon get to him? Why is his system rejecting the cure? Why, why, why.

Magnus couldn’t think about it. He had to act. What would Magnus Bane do? Magnus Bane The High Warlock and not the terrified person who looks at a still and silent body of a loved one only to think, ‘ _Not again_.’

“Jace, step away,” Magnus says, to be met instantly with a fierce reluctance. Stubborn _parabatai_ , who would’ve guessed. “Let me do my job.”

Clary, grateful to finally be able to do something, rushes over to Jace’s side, gently prying him away from where Alec lies.

“What do you need?” Isabelle asks, rising up in one swift movement, her determination unwavering. And if she keeps looking at Magnus like that, he’s never going to let himself feel it all—break.

 _Time to think, to breathe, for this not to keep happening_ , Magnus can’t help but think.

“Catarina Loss,” he says instead.

***  
  
It takes three days for the venom to leave Alec’s system. Three agonizingly long days divided into hourly shifts, and air thick with questions of ‘when’.

When will this be over? When will things get better? When will he finally wake up? Wake up— _Just wake up, Alec._

And Magnus knows time, time is an old friend, it leaves bittersweet nothings as gifts and it embraces him in ways no one else ever will. Yes, he knows time. But those three days, all it felt like was a split hair difference between eternity. 

Logically, he knew things would turn out fine. Catarina was the best healer in this millennia and the ones ahead, with their skills combined, with libraries flowing with knowledge and cures, how could they not?

 _Still_ , Magnus thinks as he stares at a soundly sleeping Alec in his bed, _still_.

How long till it happens again?

Magnus hates this. Fear, god how he hates fear. How could he not? It seemed like all the worst versions of him were riddled with the creature fear.

“Magnus.”

It’s Cat, standing just barely at the doorway. She’s smiling softly even though Magnus knows she must be exhausted; _three days_.

She‘s still in her scrubs, had she just come back from the hospital or was she going in for a shift? Magnus doesn’t know. He couldn’t seem to focus as of late, his hand clasps Alec’s tighter.

“The shadowhunters were called in to hand in a thorough report of the incident. I can’t imagine the clave is a big fan of the Head Of The New York Institute being taken care of at his Warlock boyfriend’s house instead of their state of the art infirmary.”

Magnus hums noncommittally in response. He could not care less about what the clave was or wasn’t a fan of.

“The blond one had to practically be shoved out the door.” Catarina moves forward, sitting down next to Magnus’ spot on the empty side of the bed.

“I wouldn’t expect any less from Jace,” he says.

“Magnus.” Cat places a reassuring hand on his arm. “Don’t let this get in the way of something good you have going here.”

And now he has to let his gaze drift away from Alec to look at Catarina. All traces of the previous smile is gone, her eyes practically spell out concerned but there’s a slight flare there, too, a commitment of sorts, as if she knows what she pulled herself into and is ready to follow through. Magnus lets of Alec’s hand, instead gently resting his on Alec’s wrist; it’s a steady pulse under his fingertips, good, now _wake up, Alexander._

“What are you saying?” It’s pointless to ask, Magnus knows what she means all to well. And she knows that he does, too, because of course she does.

“You give yourself heart and soul to someone and even when things get rough and complicated as they always do, especially when it comes to _nephilim_ , you carry hope that it’ll get better.” Cat spares a glance at Alec. “And in some cases, it does.”

“You already know you’re my favourite immortal, Cat, please just say what you feel you must.”

Catarina smiles, “Favourite, huh? I’ll be sure to not tell your dear vampire, Raphael.”

Magnus can’t help but smile too. “He wouldn’t believe you even if you did.”

“That’s fine. I don’t take much pride in the fact that I’m your favourite. I love you, Magnus, but you’re a mess.”

“Well, I suppose we can’t all be all-powerful-healers,” Magnus teases, “Some of us are off busy being High Warlocks, doing High Warlock things. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

There’s a moment of comfortable silence between them, before Cat breaks it.

“In all seriousness, Magnus,” she says. “Don’t do the thing you always do, where you get scared and let go of what, or in this case who, makes you happy. I don’t want to see you go back to the way you were.”

Magnus scoffs, “I was happy.”

“It’s different and you know it.”

In his heart, yes, he does. His world has always been in colour but now— now the lights don’t hurt his eyes.

And Magnus can’t find it in him to hold up the pretense any longer. He slips his hand away from Alec‘s.

“Seeing him like that—“ Magnus hates the way his voice cracks. “—It terrified me.”

He looks up at Catarina for what feels like the first time in a long while. “I’m still scared. I never want to feel like that again and I don’t know how.”

Cat is silent for a bit, her hand still placed reassuringly on Magnus’ arm.

“Don’t walk away. I know you hate being afraid—“

“It was more than that,” he cuts through.

“Magnus, I know.”

How she remains so composed and steady, he may never know. Magnus has had years to reel in his emotions, to keep a firm hold on them, and in some ways he’s perfected the art of doing so. Yet, some days, he slips up. With Alexander in his life, those slip ups seem to occur more frequently than ever.

“Magnus, just promise me.”

He doesn’t need to ask what for. Magnus simply nods, not knowing what he’s going to do. The only certainty that lives inside him now is the time ahead of him and just how scared he felt in the time before.

“I guess that’s my cue,” Catarina says, standing up.

Everything else washes away the second Magnus feels Alec stir. He’s waking up and Magnus can finally, finally just breathe.

“Cat,” he calls out as she moves to exit the room. “Thank you.”

She rolls her eyes in response. “You have a whole eternity to thank me for the things I do for you. Right now, you need to talk.”

With that, she’s gone and it’s just Magnus again. Magnus and a waking Alexander.

“Hey,” Alec says, his voice heavy with sleep, a small soft smile on his face as he sees Magnus.

Alec’s looking at him like it’s just any other day, as if it’s just just another one of their mornings and how can Magnus not keep falling?

“Hey, you.”

Alec makes a move to sit up, immediately wincing as he does so.

Magnus places a gentle hand on his chest as he lies down again. “Don’t do that, you’re still hurt.”

Magnus watches as Alec goes from confusion to recollection. “That explains a lot.”

Alec tries to rub the exhaustion out of his face. “So, how long was I out for?”

“Three days.”

“Oh,” Alec puts eloquently. “Is everyone else alright?”

Magnus can’t help but sigh because of course Alec would be so utterly... _Alec_.

“Everyone’s fine, Alexander. Just worried.”

Alec looks hesitant when he asks, “And you?”

Magnus lets out a mirthless laugh, pausing a moment to remember what Catarina said before answering, “To be frank, I’m still terrified.”

Alec reaches out for his hand instinctively. “I’m right here, Magnus.”

“I know that. But you weren’t here for a whole three days. And before that you were bleeding out from an infected wound right below your ribs. And the _iratzes_ wouldn’t work, the potion didn’t help, we had to—“

“Hey, hey, hey. Magnus, look at me.”

He does.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, you and Jace and Izzy, angel knows if the situation was reversed, I’d have lost my mind. But I’m here, okay?” Alec holds on tighter. “It’s alright. I love you, Magnus.”

“I love you too.” Magnus strokes Alec’s cheek with the hand not clasping him. “But it’s not alright. I could have lost you.”

“But you didn’t.” Alec smiles.

 _But I could have,_ Magnus wants to stress. He wants to make Alec understand just what it felt like when, for a slight second, it seemed as though he’d have lost him. That’d he have all of eternity, or whatever time the universe would grant him, all to himself. Again.

Magnus wanted to make Alec feel what he felt so he knew exactly why Magnus felt his heart beat in his throat every time Alec was called for a mission. Why now it would get worse.

And he knew, he knew that he should. That they should talk. That he can’t keep putting it off forever. But hey, for now, he had forever. And Alexander was looking at him like that, and the sun was shining at exactly the right angle, making the room glow with light, and it was just them.

And Magnus wanted. He wanted so desperately that he let things feel—be alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I always seem to forget that pronouns exist and that I don’t need to refer to the characters by their names at ALL times. Hey, let me know what you thought! And whether you want a follow up where they actually talk about the immortality thing...though probably not. Thank you for reading!


End file.
